Today, I am feeling a little down.
I feel like my kindness is not appreciated by those to whom I give it.
I feel like my potential is never recognized.
I feel like I am a terrible communicator.
I feel like no one takes me seriously.
I feel like I am a weak leader.
I feel like I can't find my footing in life.
I feel like I'm broken.
I feel like no one cares about my thoughts.
I feel like I am alone.
I feel like no one is going to read this.
I feel like others get recognition for every little thing, but I get none for big things.
During my high school and college days, I struggled with my self-esteem. This is certainly not something that anyone is surprised at because everyone deals with it at some time in his life. The thing with me, however, is that one day I just stopped not-believing in myself. To state it more clearly, I started believing in myself.
In my change of heart, I never became arrogant -- I just decided that in order to lead a meaningful life, I needed to be more confident in who I am. I know God made me for a positive reason and I didn't want to cheapen that. It irritated me that I always looked at what I was not compared to so-and-so and that others felt compelled to build me up -- not because I deserved it, but because they didn't want to be around a mopey person. I decided to stop comparing myself to others and focus on my abilities. And, for the most part, it has worked.
On occasions, like today for example, I get those old feelings creeping back into my mind. Sometimes I wonder if I bet on a lame horse when I decided to be more confident in myself. Its not like I am saying that I am worthless or that my life is meaningless; I just wonder sometimes how much worth I truly have or if my life has much meaning on the whole.
How important am I really to the people in my life? Some days, I just feel like I'm not at all.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Regression...
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6 comments:
"For I know the plans I have for you..."
...satan likes for you to think that you are alone in your feelings of unworthiness, when in fact -- we ALL struggle with these feelings from time to time. You are a man of great worth -- you are HIS, and you are using the gifts He has given you for His great glory. Your humble heart and desire to serve Him make a huge impact on all those with whom you work. Do not listen to the whisperings of the evil one. You are under greater attack being on the front lines, and will continue to be. When you feel that others are knocking you down and not noticing the work you do -- go to His Word and be reminded to whom You belong and How great is His love for you. You do matter Michael, and do you do make a difference. Don't ever believe otherwise. God is using you in amazing ways as you present a gentle spirit, a humble heart, talents that are used to further His kingdom...as you lead your home team, as you minister through music, as a faithful husband...my goodness, in so very many ways. Can you see how satan would love to be able to get you to believe his whispers?
"Because of HIS great love, we are not consumed. His mercies are new every morning -- so great is His faithfulness."
You are loved. You do matter. Someone did read this. :)
Very thought provoking Michael. Yes, we have all had those moments of self-doubt...moments that turned into decades.
I wish you could feel the depth of my appreciation for everything that you are...and I think if you thought about it for even a second, you'd know exactly how awesome you are to me.
I'm not going to argue with your feelings...but I still want to encourage you.
I've said this before to you--and to many other--but you're one of the best communicators I've ever known. You not only KNOW exactly what to say, but you know HOW to say it. I can't do that. Not even close. I end up screaming about FISH.
You're a smart guy, and perhaps these feelings of despair have already passed, but you were right to place trust in God and believe that He had a great purpose for you...even if that "great" purpose wasn't the same "great" as someone else's.
Like Abraham going up the mountain to kill his only son, just because God asked him to, you must walk up this hill of life without knowing what amazing thing God has for you at the top.
However, if you don't walk up that mountain, even though God has told you to, you will never be able to experience that amazing thing at the top.
I think you're awesome Michael. Simply awesome. I don't use that word lightly.
Dear Michael,
-Your kindness is not given for appreciation; it is given as an outflow of Christ in you, and YOUR KINDNESS IS AMAZING.
-Your potential is recognizable to everyone who knows you, whether YOU recognize it or not.
-You are an outstanding communicator; hello, do you read your writing???
-No one takes you seriously? Um, does ANYONE out there feel like they are taken seriously? I don't most of the time either!
-You are a weak leader! (Only if "weak" means "Humble" and "servant-like").
-Finding your footing in life, I've come to realize, is a step-by-step, day-to-day thing. Many days I feel "unfooted", and occasionally I feel well-established (though, I think my wedding day was the last time I felt like that!)
-Broken? Ah, yes. Good thing you know the Fixer.
-I care about your thoughts immensely! There was a time that I lived for what my big brother thought! Yes, I had to grow out of that, but it still sneaks up on me, too.
-You're not alone. Period.
- If no one reads this, it's only because you took 6 WEEKS to write another post. We get defeated, and stop checking eventually.
-Lastly, I cannot express how important you are to me in my life!
I LOVE YOU!
(And I risked FOIA to write this to you while I'm at work. It could all be published in the New York Times 30 years down the road! Then maybe you'll believe it!)
LOVE! Erin!
Well -Michael - welcome to LIFE. ALL of us at one time or another feel inadequate,weak,insecure, unappreciated, unrecognized,confused, overlooked,and insecure. I fight with those things on a regular basis, too. I often wonder why God didn't give me certain gifts like I see other pastors' wives have. They are great speakers and can lead Bible studies much better than I can. They can quote scripture, chapter and verse, AND at the appropriate times! They are elegant,calm and peaceful. . . .
I, on the other hand, am NOT! All I know, is that God made me a certain way to fill a certain place in life. When I start feeling insecure, I know it is Satan trying to defeat me. AND since I recognize that, there's no way I am going to let him beat me!! I go to God and ask Him to fight for me!
Michael,
Oh BAY!!!
dude - you're just stressed and working hard and that's when it's easy for the evil one to sneak in and place the feelings of doubt and worthlessness.
Don't forget you are a child of the KING - and HE loves you and made you in His image, and CHOSE you as his son, in Christ.
Ephesians 1: Read it and bask in HIS love and grace.
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