Woman Gives Birth to Middle Linebacker

HOUSTON, TX - A local couple who thought were going in for a routine C-section delivery of their first child were surprised to discover that their little bundle of joy came out to be an unusually big bundle of joy. Brayden Brooks Gray, newborn son of Jonathan and Michelle Gray of Kingwood, birthed in at 10 lbs. 10 oz. and just short of 23 in. long.

While the delivery was routine by all medical standards, doctors were baffled at what they saw as Brayden was removed from his mother's uterus. "I couldn't believe my eyes," said the on-call obstetrician. "I have never delivered a baby with a football helmet already strapped to his head."

Along with the helmet, baby Gray was reportedly also born with a full set of shoulder pads, cleats, and what appeared to be an NFL contract postdated for 2026.

"I was amazed," said new father Jonathan. "Not only did I witness the birth of my first child, but I also got to meet the youngest-ever NFL draft pick -- all from the comfort of a sterile maternity ward operating room." New mother Michelle only commented by saying, "Cleats?! Thank God for epidurals!"

By press time, the team logo on the helmet could not be confirmed. Some medical staff insist that it was the Houston Texans, while others bitterly contend that they saw the tell-tale Dallas Cowboys star. One orderly made the suggestion that he believes that it may have been a Denver Broncos helmet. Police are still on scene investigating his murder.

For now, the Grays seem content with their new baby and insist that they're not going to give him any special treatment just because he is already favored to lead his team to a decisive victory in the 2028 Super Bowl.

"We are just glad he's healthy," said Jonathan, "and that we can pay down our medical bills through the sponsorship we just signed making him the spokesman for Gatorade's new Breast Milk Mountain Blast energy drink."