A Surprise Party of Sorts...

Today is Heidi's 29th birthday. I have covertly set up a post on her blog where people can go to send her a quick happy birthday message. Please take a moment to let Heidi know that you are glad that God put her on this earth. I know I am.

My Kind of Environmentalist

In a world that has become so insanely hysterical about global warming, it's refreshing to hear someone -- especially a celebrity -- talk about caring for the environment without predicting the end of the world or defending the moral necessity of investing in carbon credits (don't even get me started).

This interview with Dirty Jobs host Mike Rowe, appeared in this month's issue of Men's Health magazine and I wanted to share part of it here. With Rowe as our spokesman, real men can care about the environment again without looking like a bunch of wacko greenie pansies.

Was that a bit too harsh?

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There's a rumor going around that Dirty Jobs is the greenest show on television. Does that surprise you? Not really. I'm the one spreading it.

Any truth to it? Plenty. More than half of the 200 jobs we've profiled in the past 3 years benefit the environment in a direct way.

Why do you think people have been slow to notice? Because Dirty Jobs has no environmental agenda. We're not trying to save the planet or call attention to the latest crisis. We're just profiling real people who work hard and get dirty in the course of putting bread on the table.

You're talking about garbage haulers and sewage workers? Yeah, but I'm also talking about entrepreneurs. Like the guys in Florida who scuba dive for golf balls in alligator-infested water hazards and resell them online. Or the dairy farmer in New England who markets biodegradable flowerpots made from cow poop. Or the pig rancher in Las Vegas who collects leftovers from casino buffets and feeds the slop to his swine. These people are greener than Al Gore in a cabbage patch.

Is that what you meant when you told Larry King “brown is the new green?” Actually, what I said was Brown before Green. Like in the dictionary.

So your position on the issue is alphabetical? That’s funny. Very few people who want to talk about the environment these days have a sense of humor.

Why do you think that is? Because the “Greens” have been busy scaring the crap out of us. Haven’t you heard? “Your SUV is melting Greenland. Your hairspray put a hole in the ozone. Your kids are going to inherit a charcoal briquette.”

Well, the stakes are a little scary. Should we really be laughing about global warming? No. But relying on fear and guilt to modify behavior usually leads to comedy. Like in the hardware store, where they tell me the plastic rake in aisle 4 is “environmentally friendly” because it doesn’t use wood. Then, further down the same aisle, they promote a steel rake with a wooden handle as “environmentally friendly” because it uses a “renewable resource.” What a crock. I still don’t know the right answer to “plastic or paper?” Does anybody?

You seem a little agitated. I am. Look around this hotel room. Nice, right? Well there's a sign on the back of my toilet that says, "It's Your Planet—Keep It Green!" The sign is covered with little raindrops with sad faces drawn into them. What do you think they're trying to tell me? You think they're trying to save water by asking me to not flush my pee?

So you have a problem with saving water? Not at all. Hell, I'd pee in the shower if it'd save me money. The thing is, who enjoys the savings? Do you think I'll be seeing a discount when I check out? Some sort of urine rebate?

Uh . . . probably not. Hotels are saving millions of dollars by guilting their customers into forgoing fresh towels and linens in the name of environmental responsibility. Those same hotels are happy to sell me a bottle of water for $5—a plastic bottle, no less! You have to laugh.

So you’re sympathetic to the cause, but critical of what exactly - the execution? If we’re talking about the importance of cleaning up after ourselves and leaving a light footprint, I’m all for it. But really, I’m tired of being lectured by people who care more for the planet than the people on it. There’s a lot of “inconvenient truth” in the environmental movement, and a ton of manipulation. That leads to hypocrisy and opportunism.

You’ve put some thought into this. I’m not done. The people I meet on Dirty Jobs would never describe themselves as “green,” yet they do more to clean up our environment in the course of making a living than any celebrity ever will. If you were looking to launch an environmental awareness campaign that real people can relate to, I’d say “Get Down with Brown,” and hire a plumber to act as spokesman.

So you’re not impressed with the efforts of people like Al Gore and Leo DiCaprio? I’m not going to question anyone’s agenda or motive. But I strongly suspect that millions of responsible Americans who see themselves as environmentally conscious have been turned off by the marketing of green, and might feel uneasy about falling in line behind movie stars and politicians. Celebrities might generate awareness, but flying around in private jets and being famous doesn’t help our environment. Picking up other people’s garbage does.

Butt-Borne Diseases

Updated Monday, July 21

Let the record show that the largest percentage of readers polled (42%) agree with me that toilet seat assessment is the way to go when considering the use of paper seat covers. In a close second, 35.5% of people opt never to tempt fate and would cover the seat every time, even at Martha Stewart's house. And bringing up the rear (no pun intended) is the 22.5% of people who were raised by monkeys and think that personal hygiene is merely a fad.

Let the record also show that this post garnered more comments than the one celebrating the birth of my son. I have a very peculiar reader base.

Thanks everyone; this was fun!

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Do you always use the provided toilet seat covers in restrooms?

I discussed this with Cameron today and we have somewhat differing views. He says that he would never think of not using a seat cover and I am all for assessing the restroom's cleanliness level before making a decision either way. If the restroom appears clean, then I have no issues. If I am at the airport in Reno, however, I will always opt for protection.

So what about you? Please take a moment to respond to my official, scientific poll on the right-hand column. If you decide to participate, you are required to be 100% honest -- don't worry, you will remain anonymous.

The poll closes a week from today, so weigh in now [poll closed]

If you simply want to make fun of me and tell me how disgusting I am for selectively using the seat protectors, the comment link is below. Try to be kind.

Woman Gives Birth to Middle Linebacker

HOUSTON, TX - A local couple who thought were going in for a routine C-section delivery of their first child were surprised to discover that their little bundle of joy came out to be an unusually big bundle of joy. Brayden Brooks Gray, newborn son of Jonathan and Michelle Gray of Kingwood, birthed in at 10 lbs. 10 oz. and just short of 23 in. long.

While the delivery was routine by all medical standards, doctors were baffled at what they saw as Brayden was removed from his mother's uterus. "I couldn't believe my eyes," said the on-call obstetrician. "I have never delivered a baby with a football helmet already strapped to his head."

Along with the helmet, baby Gray was reportedly also born with a full set of shoulder pads, cleats, and what appeared to be an NFL contract postdated for 2026.

"I was amazed," said new father Jonathan. "Not only did I witness the birth of my first child, but I also got to meet the youngest-ever NFL draft pick -- all from the comfort of a sterile maternity ward operating room." New mother Michelle only commented by saying, "Cleats?! Thank God for epidurals!"

By press time, the team logo on the helmet could not be confirmed. Some medical staff insist that it was the Houston Texans, while others bitterly contend that they saw the tell-tale Dallas Cowboys star. One orderly made the suggestion that he believes that it may have been a Denver Broncos helmet. Police are still on scene investigating his murder.

For now, the Grays seem content with their new baby and insist that they're not going to give him any special treatment just because he is already favored to lead his team to a decisive victory in the 2028 Super Bowl.

"We are just glad he's healthy," said Jonathan, "and that we can pay down our medical bills through the sponsorship we just signed making him the spokesman for Gatorade's new Breast Milk Mountain Blast energy drink."

Hear the Debate

It turns out that the link to the debate I posted below is no longer on iTunes. I have included it here in mp3 format so that you can listen directly from this page:



If you enjoy this episode of the Dennis Prager Show, I strongly recommend that you subscribe to the free podcasts of his show. It's not all politics -- he covers a wider range of interesting topics than any talk show host I have ever heard. Even my wife loves listening to him -- and she hates talk radio.

I specifically recommend that you check out his weekly Male/Female hour. His insights on marriage and male sexuality are spot-on and he holds nothing back. If you are married (man or woman), your thinking will definitely be challenged.

Sleep Deprivation

Many of you who know me well can attest to the fact that my mind doesn't react favorably to being tired (or on heavy medication). When it gets late, I tend to lose that filter that usually rests somewhere between my brain and my mouth. This makes it possible for me to say things that I normally wouldn't on any given afternoon -- nothing cruel or nasty, just different from my normal self.

Now that Harrison is here, I have many more opportunities to be filter-less. In fact, my lack of sleep is even taking a toll on my actual sleep time. It seems that I have developed a proclivity to walking and talking in my sleep (ala Greg Rohlinger).

Here are two incidents from this past week that my wife told me about:

Heidi woke up at 1:30 and noticed that I wasn't in bed. She came out to the living room and found me laying on the couch in the dark and asked, "Babe, what are you doing out here?" My response was, "I'm just uploading videos! You wouldn't understand!" I remember nothing.

The other incident was a few nights earlier. Heidi had just finished feeding Harrison in the living room, laid him down in his crib, and crawled back in bed next to me. I greeted her by saying, "I don't know who you are, but I'm sure glad you're here." Just so you know, wives love to hear that from their husbands.

People always tell me not to wish away Harrison's life by looking forward to him growing up, but I believe that the day he starts sleeping through the night will be a glorious one in my life. I doubt I'll look back in 20 years and think, "If only I had never wished away that time in Harrison's life when I wandered aimlessly through the house at night and said strange things to my wife, my dog, and any inanimate object I ran into."

I love my son, but I need my sleep!

Independence Day

Happy 4th of July everyone! We are blessed to live in a land where freedom and liberty are ways of life, not something we have to fight for every day. Let's remember the sacrifices and courage of the millions of others who have made America what it is today.

God bless America!

Let's Be Clear

Politics is a necessary evil. It can be so maddening and full of hype that many people decide to completely ignore what is happening in the political realm and choose to turn their attention to more easily-digested forms of sadism (like watching Wipeout).

Even though politics can be frustrating, I believe that it is important for each voter to take a good look -- beyond mere emotions -- at what's at stake. While many political junkies are obsessed with trying to convince you to jump on their party-line bandwagon, I think its more important to get a clear grasp on where each party really stands so that you can be well-informed enough to make a confident decision in the voting booth this November.

One great way to be clear about the differences between the parties is to listen to this exchange between conservative radio talk show host Dennis Prager and liberal newspaper editor Arriana Huffington. I promise that this is no shouting match, its both friendly and respectful. More importantly, it draws a clear distinction between the parties and their political and social ideals.

Clicking the image below will open up an iTunes podcast screen where you can download and listen to the debate for free. Its about 35 minutes long, but well worth every second. If you don't have the time now, I recommend that you download it to your iPod and listen to it at work or in the car.

Update: This link now points to a new post with audio streaming.



If you are not interested in taking the time to understand the deep and dividing differences represented in the upcoming election, then this video will probably be of more significance to you as the election draws nearer: