A Life ~ Disconnected

Heidi and I have spent about a year and a half trying to get pregnant. Last month, we visited her doctor to consult with him about starting infertility testing. We were all set up to begin with Heidi having a -- get ready for this -- hysterosalpingogram (HSG), which is a test to help her doctor see if the issue of our infertility lie with her.

On the day of her appointment, we found out she was pregnant.

We were overjoyed at this because 1) we have been trying and praying for a pregnancy for so long, and 2) if we had not taken the pregnancy test, the HSG would have surely destroyed the embryo already growing inside her. On Tuesday 9/5, Heidi went in for a blood test and her hormone levels confirmed that she was pregnant. The nurse at her doctor's office congratulated us, set us up for our first sonogram, and set our due date at May 4.

This date could not have been more perfect for us. It would allow Heidi to finish the school year and leave with enough maternity time that she would not need to go back after the baby was born.

We commented to each other on how good God has always been to us. We were amazed at God's timing.

But what we thought was God's timing was not His timing at all.

On Friday of the same week, her blood test showed a decrease in hormone levels -- an indication of a possible miscarriage. No bleeding took place over the weekend, so she went in for her third blood test on Monday 9/11. We were trying to be hopeful and were praying that the dip in her levels would right itself in this test. Today, we got the results. An even lower hormone level -- an indication of a complete miscarriage.

We don't know if she will physically miscarry in the next few days, or if she did earlier in the month. The only thing we know is that the doctor indicated that Heidi was no longer pregnant.

This has taken a toll on both of us, but on Heidi more so. She went from preparing for an infertility test to learning she was pregnant for the very first time to having a miscarriage, all in the course of about a week. We went from thanking God for finally answering our prayers to dealing with the painful disappointment that He seemingly took His "yes" answer away from us.

But God is still good, and his timing is infinitely perfect -- even when we are blinded with discouragement.

We thought his "yes" was for a baby and we focused on that. When we found out that we would not be having a baby from this pregnancy, it seemed a bit like a cruel trick. But He did answer "yes" and He remains faithful to that response.

His "yes" answer was to let us know that we are capable of getting pregnant.

The timing was perfectly precise. We no longer need to spend hundreds of dollars to see if we can get pregnant; we now know we can get pregnant. While it still hurts to have our hopes rise and fall with such ferocity, what a blessing it is to know that God continues to keep our best interests in mind, that He deals with us in delicately powerful ways.

Thank you, God, for answering our real prayers, even though we are sometimes too farsighted to actually pray them.