Why I Don't Watch the News

Modern television news media has become useless on so many levels. Sometimes I wonder how hard assignment editors have to work just to find stories to fill up their air time. The following video is a prime example of why I don't spend much of my time watching the local news.

Click on the picture below to view the news story; this is reporting at its crappiest:



Aside from the fact that this completely inane story made it to a live broadcast, I find it particularly bothersome that it aired within the first ten minutes of their 8:00 news (see the timestamp above). Where exactly is the newsworthiness of this story?

To make things worse, the City of Gilbert had to add their personal touch of absurdity by having Greg Svelund, the official city spokesperson, comment on the issue by saying, "I think this is something that can be solved with education." What?!

Here, allow me:

Dog Park Etiquette 101:

Lesson 1: Dog poop is stinky
Lesson 2: A lot of dog poop fermenting in one area is even stinkier
Lesson 3: To minimize the stink, pick up Precious' poop
Lesson 4: Should have told you before Lesson 3 to use the plastic bags and not your bare hand, you flippin' idiot
Lesson 5: Don't ever leave the house if you are dumber than your dog

I'm pretty sure that I just saved the taxpayers of Gilbert a lot of wasted education dollars.

In Memory

David G. Clingensmith, Sr.
March 31, 1931 - April 21, 2008

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty." Psalm 91:1

We will miss you, Grandpa.

This Has Been My Life:

Saturday, April 26 will mark the end of 44 days straight of this:



In my never-ending struggle to produce even the most minute amount of live, straight-swimming sperm, I have tried many unusual things. Some things have helped, some have hindered, but none have done the job they were ultimately supposed to do.

This photo represents my last medical effort. Time alone will tell if this final path of modern medicine can help lead Heidi and me to the final destination that has eluded us for so long now.

Just so you know, I hate needles. I can't tell you what a hurdle it was to stick this into my body for the first time. In case you were wondering, this shot is given intra-muscularly (meaning that I have to bury the needle to the hilt so that the fluid can be injected into the muscle). Learning to inject myself was definitely one of the biggest fear-overcoming situations in my life.

I love trying to overcome my fears, but I certainly won't miss these needles when they're gone.

I Miss Blogging

See above.

Toasted

Public speaking is not easy.

The fear of speaking in front of a group is one of the top fears in American society. Beyond simply overcoming the realization that all eyes and ears in the room are fixed on him or her (a realization that intensifies self-consciousness), a good public speaker must be interactive and engaging in order to be effective in delivering a message. Having to communicate under these circumstances can be daunting for anyone.

While I am generally comfortable around large groups of people, I am incredibly unconfident speaking in front of them. I don't mind the publicness of speaking, I mind the fact that I am oftentimes unable to communicate the message I want at the quality I want to deliver it.

In order to learn to overcome this life-long struggle, I went today to my first-ever Toastmasters International meeting. The goal of Toastmasters is to help you "become the speaker and leader you want to be," and these people aren't playing around.

Without going into too much detail about the meetings, the goal is to make attendees comfortable with public speaking by making them speak publicly. Then the rest of the group goes about dissecting the speech's content and delivery. Ultimately, the speaker gets almost immediate feedback on the shortcomings of his or her speaking ability. It can be nerve-wracking to have people pick you apart like that, but as long as you don't take things personally and you use the critiques to better yourself for the next speech, this group really seems to help.

Even though I was a first-time guest, the group gave me the opportunity to participate in what they call table topics. During this part of the meeting, members are all given a word of the day (ours today was goad). One person is then picked to stand up at the podium. On the spot, they are given a random topic to talk about for two to three minutes and they have to find a way to incorporate the word of the day appropriately in their presentation.

I was asked to talk about my first car, and I had to find a good place to use the verb goad. I started off fairly well and was enjoying myself until I said "ummmm" for the first time. Allow me to let you in on a little Toastmasters secret: they have a person at each meeting whose only task is to listen for "filler sounds" and then hit a desk bell each time the forbidden sounds are used.

The sound of that ringing in the middle of my speech was unnerving. In three minutes, I got dinged seven times. I could tell that the poor lady ringing the bell felt bad at having to keep picking on the new guy, but she was just doing her job. I was so frazzled at the bell that I kept losing my train of thought and I even forgot to use the word of the day. They were kind enough to let me know that everyone gets dinged a lot on their first try, and that I was nowhere near the group record of 17 dings.

Either way, I have a long way to go, and I'm sure I'll have more stories to come.

Pray for me.

Happy Easter!

I hope your Easter celebrations are a blast. Enjoy the time with family, the time to rest, and most importantly, the time you spend celebrating the fact that Jesus Christ rose from the dead in order to make it possible for us to spend eternity with him.

He is risen indeed!

I'm Not the Only One

This blog is subtitled "Uncensored, but Spell-checked" for a very good reason: I am very conscious of spelling mistakes. Certain events from my past have made me this way.

I remember in first grade making a poster-sized drawing of the Statue of Liberty (complete with picture-taking stick figure tourists) for the annual school-wide art show called Reflections. On the base of my rendition of the historic American landmark, I used a permanent marker and skillfully etched the words "Stachew of Liberty". When I showed my parents, my dad mentioned that I spelled "statue" incorrectly (for a first grader, I think I displayed great phonemic awareness with stachew). Despite my excellent sound-it-out skills, I was embarrassed to have the now unchangeable misspelling on my artwork, so I ended up cutting off the lower half of my drawing and submitted my rendition of the historic landmark from the knees up.

That's the first time I really became aware that spelling mistakes can be embarrassing, but it didn't make me permanently immune to the occasional misspelling. In fact, after graduating from college, I had a particularly funny Freudian-slip spelling error on the resume that I sent to various PR firms here in Phoenix. Rather than tell you the whole story, let me show you a picture I found recently that more than adequately explains the embarrassment I felt with my post-graduation spelling mistake:



Who knew that you could earn $145K - $204K per year with a BA in Pubic Relations? Talk about getting paid well for something that you love to do. If the VP makes that much, I wonder what the President makes...

Baby-Making 101 (Part 3 of 3)

Part 3. Please read Part 1 & Part 2 before reading this section.

If by any chance you are dealing with issues of infertility, this concluding part is sincerely dedicated to you and your spouse as you walk this road together. While I am really enjoying the chance to tell the humorous (and sometimes explicit) parts of our story, my ultimate goal is to provide encouragement to anyone going through the same feelings of disappointment, discouragement, heartache, and uncertainty that we have grown to know so well.

Special congratulations go out to Eddie & Jeanne James, who just yesterday (March 1), had their prayers answered with the birth of their daughter Nadia. We love you guys!

And....go:

After the “Beaches of Normandy” speech, he asked us questions about the things we were doing to get pregnant, and we explained which methods we tried (at least the ones we were comfortable admitting to trying). After hearing about all of our efforts, he gave us a piece of advice that is far more powerful than anything we got from any other source.

He said, “You know, so many people I see are so concerned with getting pregnant that they consume their lives with finding the magic bullet. Instead of focusing on each other, they try different methods and buy books and devices that claim to hold the secret. I always tell people that they are better off taking the money they would spend on ovulation kits, and spend every dime of it at Victoria’s Secret. Just focus on arousing each other and enjoying the intimacy, and pregnancy will come in time.”

Now, I would be lying if I said that the male side of me didn’t jump for joy at the idea of a Victoria’s Secret shopping spree, but the thing I appreciated most was that he refocused us what was most important in a marriage -- intimacy. Cultivating a strong bond with your spouse is more important to a healthy marriage than getting pregnant, and we realized that we had begun to seek pregnancy at the expense of remembering to enjoy each other sexually. We made a commitment that day to remember that sex is more than a means for producing children; it also provides a special connection that runs deeper than any other bond that any two people could have.

At the end of our appointment, Heidi’s doctor asked if he could pray for us. He knew from another conversation that we were both Christians, and we gladly accepted his offer. You don’t have to be religious to know that having another person pray for you can be a very moving experience.

I can’t recall his exact words, but I remember him praying for God to prepare us for and bless us with a child. At the end of his prayer, he looked up with tears in his eyes and thanked us for helping him remember why he does what he does day after day. What an amazing experience to go into an infertility appointment with nervous insecurity, and leave with peace in our hearts and a fresh perspective on God’s provision for our lives.

I know that some of you reading this may not have the experience of having someone pray for you to have peace in this time of uncertainty, so please allow me to offer up a prayer on your behalf. My hope is that this prayer can be as meaningful to you now as Heidi’s doctor’s prayer was to us that day in his office:

God, you know the pain and the uncertainty happening in this person’s life now. I pray that you send your peace to them now and that you keep their eyes on the fact that You have a plan for their life, and for the life of any child You choose to bless them with. Bring them encouragement through people in their lives, and help them to be an encouragement to others they know who may be struggling with difficulties in getting pregnant. God, more than anything, let them know that you love them. I pray this in the name of Jesus, who showed us love that is greater than any we could ever find. Amen.

Baby-Making 101 (Part 2 of 3)

Alas, you are now reading Part 2. If you have not read Part 1, please do so before continuing, otherwise none of this is going to make much sense.

For those of you like Anthony who are a bit squeamish around language referring to the female anatomy or detailing graphic descriptions of war, I'm going to go ahead and warn you that this post is rated:

While it was fun to try out new ideas, we grew increasingly frustrated that month after month we were having no success. It seemed that so many people around us were getting pregnant with hardly any effort at all, and here we were spitting on microscopes and standing on our heads in the nude. After more than a year of failed experimental baby-making, we decided that our difficulty with conceiving should be discussed with Heidi’s OB/GYN.

Needless to say, we were both worried that something major was wrong with us. We began to think that we might be told that we should get used to the idea that we would only be known to children as “Uncle Michael” and “Aunt Heidi”. Our first infertility appointment at Heidi’s OB/GYN was far more encouraging than we could have predicted.

Heidi’s doctor was a man that came very highly recommended by some friends of ours. As we sat in his office and explained our struggle with getting pregnant and our worries that we may never have kids, he listened intently. He reassured us that one year of trying was not as uncommon as we had thought. In fact, 60% of couples are unsuccessful in getting pregnant after one year of trying. Knowing that we were in the same boat as 60% of couples in America definitely helped in easing our nerves.

When we asked about the best frequency of sex (I was shamelessly hoping to resurrect the rock star sex), he gave us a very vivid analogy on how conception works. He started by saying, “You need to think of the vagina as the beaches of Normandy.”

Let me tell you, a doctor that explains medical details with World War II battle analogies is going to pique any man’s attention. I sat on the edge of my chair as he continued.

“Your goal is to take the beachhead, and you are going to need to deploy a lot of soldiers to accomplish your mission. Keep in mind that many of your soldiers will be lying dead on the beach, but all you need is one to get past the enemy lines and you have the battle won.

“Now, you don’t want to send your soldiers in a few at a time – that’s what happens when you try to have sex every day. You won’t have enough sperm to make much of an impact.”

Goodbye rock star sex.

“You need to make sure you have a good amount of sperm built up. I would say that trying every other day during ovulation is a good rule of thumb.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. My wife’s OB/GYN essentially wrote us a prescription for sex every other day during ovulation, and did it while deepening my American patriotism. This guy was good.

to be continued...

Baby-Making 101 (Part 1 of 3)

This post is a snippet from a chapter of a book I'm writing (current working title: Swimming in Circles: A Sperm Story). As you have probably already figured out, its a look into the lives of Heidi and me as we continue our long-running battle with infertility. I hope one day that it will be published. I thought I would post it here for your reading enjoyment.

Baby-Making 101

Throughout our first year of trying to conceive, we were willing to try just about any “secrets of the trade” in the hopes that it would improve our chances of getting pregnant. If you know of a manufactured or homemade method that worked for you or someone you know, I can guarantee that we tried it. Anyone who came to us with advice impacted our sex life in one way or another.

Some methods were scientific:

• Heidi would wake up each morning and, even before turning the alarm off, she would put a thermometer in her mouth and take her temperature. She even had a nice bedside calendar where she kept record of her early morning temperature-taking. Once she reached the appointed temperature, we would commence with the baby-making. It’s not as sexy to hear your wife say she’s hot for you when she means it literally.

• We tried a device which the writers of the book The Conception Chronicles affectionately dubbed “Spitnik”. Basically, each morning Heidi rubbed a small amount of her saliva on the glass lens of a compact personal fertility microscope and set it aside for a few minutes to dry. If she saw what looks like a fern pattern through the eyepiece, it meant that we got to hop back into bed and get busy. If she saw what looks like a close-up of dried saliva, it meant that I needed to take a cold shower and get ready for work.

Other methods were word-of-mouth cures:

• Heidi was told that she needed to elevate her legs over her head after sex. The naked headstands didn’t work for us.

• Someone else swore by the “Be Sure and Pee Immediately After Sex” method. I personally recommend the “Take a Ten Minute Nap After Sex” method instead.

• A friend of mine came up to me one day and loaned me what he said was a sure-fire cure: his old workout socks. He handed me a pair of bright blue, breathable cotton/poly blends with pictures of cartoon sperm on them. The socks had the caption, “Survival of the Fittest” sewn into them. Those beauties were what he wore while training for a marathon during the same time of year that he and his wife were trying for kids (please take special note of the italics). So far, the sperm socks have done nothing but give me athlete’s foot.

• My favorite approach was one I like to call the “Rock Star Sex” method, which required that we have sex every day during her ovulation period. While I knew this advice was surely the brainchild of some guy with no medical credentials whatsoever, I made sure that I supported it as a viable option each time we discussed getting pregnant. One month, my wife finally caved in. The Rock Star Sex method didn’t work one bit, but I personally found it to be the best way to fail at getting pregnant that I have ever tried.

to be continued...

Read Part 2

The Oprah Cult

Today is President's Day and -- I can't believe I am actually admitting to this -- I spent part of my day off from work watching Oprah. Before you judge me, just know that she had the voice-over cast from Horton Hears a Who (Jim Carrey, Steve Carrel, and Carol Burnett) on the show. It wasn't an Oprah's Book Club episode or anything.

I realized something disturbing today as I watched the show -- Oprah's fans are crazy (not fun-crazy like your best friend from college, but crazy-crazy like Robin Williams all jacked up on Ecstasy). Anyone else out there think that the people in Oprah's audience are bizarre?

People say that religious organizations are cultish, but I have never seen anything that can compare to the following that Oprah has. These people are out of control.

What do you think?

I Heart Starbucks

We've all been here before:

Terrorism is in My Blood

No, this is not a photo of Kevin McCallister's eerie, snowshovel-wielding neighbor in Home Alone.

This is my great great great grandfather, Ira S. Hatch -- a man with a very interesting past.

I have known for years that Ira served his LDS (read: Mormon) mission in the Navajo/Paiute regions of Southern Utah and Northern Arizona and New Mexico. His second wife was Sarah Maraboots - daughter of a Navajo chief. By all historical accounts (read: Mormon genealogies) his work and deeds–not just as a missionary, but as a frontiersman–were legendary.

What I have learned recently is a bit more disturbing.

On September 11, 1857 about 120 men, women, and children were killed in cold blood during the Mountain Meadows Massacre. The victims were members of a westward-bound wagon train from Arkansas. The culprits were unprovoked men from a local Mormon militia in Southern Utah. My great (x4) grandfather was apparently one of the key players in what is known in history as one of the worst incidents of domestic terrorism on American soil.

Gotta love history.

For a great video detailing the Mountain Meadows Massacre, click here (12 minutes).

29 Days and Counting

I have really been enjoying spending part of each day reading the Bible and praying with Heidi. We started reading through our One Year Bibles on January 1 along with many people from Palm Valley Church, where I used to work. They started 2008 with a series called Route 66, kicking off a church-wide, one-year journey through the Bible. For Christmas, all staff and staff wives recieved an engraved, leatherbound One Year Bible.

To be honest, I have never been very disciplined at reading my Bible. Ever since high school, I have struggled with disciplining myself and making time to read scripture and pray. So far this year, Heidi and I have faithfully read our Bible each day -- and I'm really enjoying it.

1 month down, 11 to go. God, keep me disciplined.

Creepy

I hurt my back this weekend and Heidi suggested that I visit the chiropractor and see what he can do to relieve my pain. She has always enjoyed going to get adjusted, but I have only been to a chiropractor one time before. I don't go often because, frankly, it freaks me out a bit.

To me, hearing my skeletal system snap, crackle, and pop like a bowl of Rice Krispies is disconcerting. It just seems wrong. I know that thousands of people a day go to chiropractors without incident, but I still have this feeling in the back of my head that my doctor is going to go all Bloodsport on me and accidentally end my life by snapping my neck.

The guy even cracked the cartilage in my ear -- said it would clear up my sinuses.

What an odd field of medicine.

2008

2008 is already shaping up to be a year of exciting change and new possibilities for Heidi and me:

Change #1: At the beginning of January, I will begin working as the Communications Coordinator for Christ's Church of the Valley (CCV) in Peoria, AZ.

The choice to leave my current job at Palm Valley was one that I struggled with for a long time. I love working for PVC, I love the staff, I love the people, and I love the impact that this church has had on me and thousands of others in the west valley. Leaving such a great group of people will not be an easy transition for me or for Heidi.

Life never seems to turn out the way we plan; God brings opportunities in life that we never see coming. God has given me the great gift of allowing me to serve Palm Valley for a year and a half, but He is calling me now down another path. I'm nervous and excited at the same time, but I have learned that God is always faithful when we follow His leading.

Change #2: I blogged previously about the new fertility treatment option that Heidi and I are considering. We met with the doctor this week to get a bit more information, and it looks like it is a good option for us. The doctor told us that if this new treatment doesn't work. that we are essentially out of medical options.

We are definitely going to pray about this decision a bit longer. If we choose to forego this new treatment, then we will most likely be looking in to adoption. While Heidi has already begun to research adoption agencies, we do not plan on starting the process for a while yet. We definitely want to talk to couples who have adopted and pick their brains about what they learned through their experience.

Please keep that situation in your prayers.

Change #3: My last post was about my brother and sister-in-law who recently announced their pregnancy with a due date of July 10. This will be the first Gray family grand baby and I'm sure that will mean a mid-summer trip to Houston followed by another family gathering next holiday season.

I have been an uncle for about 7 years now, but I'm interested to see if it feels any different to be the uncle of a sibling's kid as opposed to the uncle of an in-law's kid. Either way, I am so excited to be an uncle again.

======================

I'm definitely looking forward to these new changes with excited expectancy that God is going to grow Heidi and me, and that He is going to make '08 the most exciting and memorable year of our lives.

God, thank you for your never-ending faithfulness. No matter what comes, we give all the glory and honor to you.

A Big Christmas Gift

My brother Jonathan and his beautiful wife Michelle called us on Christmas Day to give us the news that they are 12 weeks pregnant with their first child! "Baby Gray" as he/she is currently named, is due on July 10, 2008.


Congratulations guys!

(((XM))) Radio

I'm giving very serious thought to canceling my XM Radio subscription.

Last Christmas, Heidi got me this really cool wireless XM Radio -- its like an iPod, but receives satellite radio signals. We also got one for her car because traveling through the deserts of Southern Utah and still having over 100 crystal clear, commercial free radio stations pretty much rocks.

I love that XM has stations that you can't really get with regular radio. My favorite by far has to be Cinemagic - Escape Into the Movies (channel 27). This channel plays scores from movies. All day long. From Lord of the Rings to Pride & Prejudice, from Gladiator to Karate Kid, this channel plays just about everything. I love it.

We also listen to comedy stations, Christian music stations, talk radio, top 40 tunes, music from the 50s, the 90s, and everything in between. Christmastime is especially fun because they offer 5 different stations dedicated to playing uninterrupted Christmas music.

Why then, you may ask, would I want to cancel my subscription? Well, I'm thinking of using the money I would spend on two more one-year subscriptions and using it to pay for a new infertility treatment regimen. I haven't written in a while about the infertility circus that is my life, but the short story is that all the money we poured into the last treatment ended being a complete waste because all it did was make things worse. This new course of therapy is supposed to fix all that. In all honesty, my faith in modern medicine has taken a big hit, so I'm a bit leery of this new treatment.

I'll tell you this -- I would gladly trade my 100+ commercial free radio stations in for just 100 sperm that actually swim in a straight line. That's a selling point I could get on board with.

Contentment

Sometimes it can be hard to be content with the things that life throws your way.

Heidi and I have been struggling with getting pregnant for some time now, and it seems like each time we take a step forward in our attempt to start a family, we get knocked back two steps. Oftentimes, we wonder why God is allowing us to go through this trial. It can become easy for us to look at others who are successfully getting pregnant, and then begin to feel the discontentment with our situation rise up inside and begin to consume us. Feeling contentment in the dark shadow of unrealized expectations can be difficult.

Today God allowed me a six-minute reality check, and suddenly, this burden seems so light.

Graciasgiving

This Thanksgiving, Heidi and I get to visit my mom's side of the family in Farmington, New Mexico (a 7+ hour drive from Phoenix). My grandma and granddad and my aunt and uncle live up here, and this is a good in-the-middle-of-all-the-families meeting spot.

As a kid, my family used to drive here and visit at least twice per year. I haven't been back to Farmington for more than 8 years, and I am really enjoying the nostalgia of this place and of hanging out with family again.

One of the highlights so far is getting to listen to my granddad talk about WWII. He was a B 24 bomber pilot in the South Pacific, and he has some great stories. I'll probably dedicate an entire post to this in the future -- his story makes me swell with patriotic pride.

Whether you are away with extended family, or at home with your loved ones, I would like to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving!